


(that it will never come again is) what makes life so sweet

by flustraaa



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV), Criminal Minds RPF
Genre: BAU feels, Crying Spencer Reid, Family Dynamics, Gen, Good friend Derek morgan, I hate tagging, Sad Spencer Reid, Sleepy Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid Angst, Spencer Reid Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:22:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24637522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flustraaa/pseuds/flustraaa
Summary: there all staring at him as if he will break, and distantly Spencer can’t help but think maybe they’re right. he closes his eyes, turning away from prying eyes.his words come out a whispers, “my mom died, and somehow i can’t seem to think of anything else to tell you.”“then tell us how you feel.”his face crumples at once, and their hearts break as sobs shutter through his body, “sad.”the word doesn’t begin to do justice, but it’s the only one he can think because for the second time in his life, Spencer’s brain is completely empty.
Relationships: Spencer Reid & Aaron Hotchner, Spencer Reid & David Rossi, Spencer Reid & Derek Morgan, Spencer Reid & Diana Reid, Spencer Reid & Emily Prentiss, Spencer Reid & Jennifer “JJ” Jareau, Spencer Reid & Penelope Garcia, Spencer Reid & The BAU Team
Comments: 6
Kudos: 331





	(that it will never come again is) what makes life so sweet

“The Unsub is definitely experiencing some form of severe psychosis,” Reid mumbles, fingers itching to click on the end of this pen, “But l’ve never seen anything like this. The amount of hatred that he feels isn’t much off from Bundy.”

“It’s not enough for him to _kill_ them,” Rossi sighs, rubbing his hands over his face, “He has to hack off their limbs and reattach them in the wrong place. And he’s progressed to taking their hearts? What I want to know is where he’s getting the _time_ and how he’s so _confident_.”

Spencer’s phone breaks them out of their silent stupor, and everyone’s eyes land on him. He’s staring at the number with furrowed brows, “I have to take this, I’m sorry.”

He rises to his feet, disappearing around the corner of the bend.

As soon as as he’s out of ear shot, he answers the phone with a simple, “Hello, this is Reid.”

“Doctor Spencer Reid?” The voice says softly, and something primitive in Spencer takes over. He knows that voice, it’s the same voice he uses when he has to address the families of the deceased.

He swallows thickly, “yeah?”

“Doctor Reid,” her voice is sweet and full of condolences, “hi, this is Miriam from Bennington Sanitarium. I am so sorry, but I’m calling to inform you that Diana passed overnight.”

Spencer blinks, once, twice, three times.

“ _Oh_ ,” he murmurs dumbly, “I’m— _oh_. Yeah. Um, I’m at work, is there anyway I can call you back later today?”

“Of course, dear. Once again, I am so sorry, and if you need anything please reach out to us.”

Spencer nods, more to himself than anyone, “yeah. I— thanks.”

He shoves the phone in his pocket, pressing his hands to his eyes as he forces down all of his emotions.

_You can’t change what happened_ , he stares as a reminder to himself, _only what is going to happen to these women if you don’t find this killer._

He allows himself three deep breaths, before he slaps an expression that reads, ‘ _I’m fine do not look under this rock.’_

He walks into the room, and everyone’s eyes fall on him.

“Everything alright?” Hotch asks, eyes narrowing.

“Don’t profile me,” Spencer ensures his voice is light and teasing. “Yeah, no. I was waiting on a call about past cases. Nothing so far, but they said they’d call me back.”

He can tell that JJ doesn’t fully believe him, but he sends her a look and she backs off, responding with a face that reads, ‘ _you’re telling me later’._

Spencer and Morgan are standing in the Medical Examiner’s office, going over the most recent lines on the body. Spencer is barely listening, nodding along in an attempt to avoid any questions Derek may ask.

He’s fine, pretending he doesn’t know what has happened, but he knows that the very second someone asks he’s going to fall apart.

“Hey, would you excuse us for a second?” The Medical Examiner only nods, glancing between them. Her eyes land on Spencer for a moment too long and he realises his mask must’ve slipped.

“Yes,” she says, “of course. You know where to find me, if you need me.”

“Spencer?” The use of his first name startles him back to reality. He snaps his eyes over to Morgan, “you’ve been acting different since that call. What has you so off-kilter.”

“Morgan, _please_ drop it,” Spencer finds himself croaking our, all defenders slipping.

“It won’t leave this room, but I need to know what’s going on. Last time I noticed you were off, I didn’t do anything and you fell down a rabbit hole,” he breathes, “I won’t judge you, I won’t even say anything to you if you don’t want but you can’t put up those walls.”

Spencer tightens his crossed arms, looking down at the ground biting into his bottom lip.

“Morgan, I need you to leave it alone,” Spencer breathes, words hitching in his throat, “I can’t do it, not right now.”

“Did something happen with your mom—“ Spencer crumbles at the words façade dropping completely as his knees start to buckle beneath him. “Oh, _Kid_.”

Morgan stops him from hitting the floor, and he’s startled by Spencer’s grip around his neck. His entire frame is wracking with sobs and shuddering breaths. The feeling _alone_ is enough to make Morgan’s own eyes become misty.

“Spencer,” Morgan breathes, running soothing circles along his spine, “I’m so sorry, Kid. I’m so, _so_ sorry.”

Spencer can’t catch a breath long enough to respond, so they just stand like that for a handful of moments, until Spencer has cried himself out.

He slowly pulls back, running his hands over his face, shaking himself back into his emotionless stupor. If his face didn’t still have scorched tear tracks, and a red hue tinting his skin, Morgan would never know the emotional duress that he carried inside that brain of his.

“Can you,” he clears his throat, wiping his face with his sleeve, “can you just... can you make sure you don’t talk about this?”

“Yeah, of course kid,” Morgan assures him, patting his shoulder, “are you going to he okay?”

“Eventually,” Spencer manages after a long moment, and Morgan just nods patting his cheek. The motion ears a slight chuckle from Spencer, and he considers that in itself a win. 

They stop by the office on the way back to grab a case file that Hotch needed, and he Spencer walks in to find a very much live and in person Garcia sitting at the table, a grin on her crimson lips.

“Well hello there chocolate— _Reid_! Oh, Boy Wonder, were you crying?” Spencer just gapes are her, looking for the right words, “Can I hug you? _Oh_ , come here.” 

Garcia rises to her feet, wrapping her arms around him, sighing in relief when she feels his hands press against her back she lets out a relieved breath. He sniffs above her, his chin rested in her head as he sinks into her arms. 

“Oh, _sweetheart_ ,” she whispers, “You’ll be okay. I know that beautiful brain of yours in focused on this case, but whenever you want to tell me, I’m here.” 

“My mom died,” he says, voice muffled, “don’t tell anyone. Morgan knows, but I just— I need to accept it before I’ll be ready to talk about it. I just need a couple days.” 

“Of course, Boy Wonder.” She pulls away taking his face in her hands, wiping away his tears with her thumbs. “Oh, how I wish I could take your pain from you.” 

“Thanks, Pen,” he says around a long inhale, resting a hand on her own, “I appreciate it.” 

“We love you, Boy Wonder,” she assures him with a firm nod, “ _unconditionally_.” 

“I love you too.” 

No one says anything, until they’re on the plane and Spencer has hardly said a word all week. 

“Spence?” JJ whispers, and he glances up from the page he’s been staring at for the last ten minutes. “What happened Tuesday?” 

Everyone has gathered around him, and they’re all looking at him with concerned eyes. He takes of his glasses, resting them on the table before him. 

“You’ve just been... really withdrawn, and were worried about you.” Emily adds, “the earth shifted a little when your put your walls up this time. 

He sighs, setting down his book and pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes, “My mom died, and they called to tell me during our meeting. I told Morgan and Garcia, but I just couldn’t get it out the right way.”

When he blinks his eyes open, hands dropping into his lap he finds his friends wearing matching expressions of sadness. 

“I’m fine,” he murmurs, “Don’t worry about me.” 

“No, Boy Wonder, you’re not,” Garcia coos, taking his hand, “You let Morgan and I hug you without complaint. You’re not fine yet, but you will be.” 

He nods, swallowing as he stares at his fidgeting fingers, “Yeah. I will be.” 

“We’re not far from Las Vegas, I can change the destination before we take off,” Hotch offers. 

“I actually haven’t called the sanitarium back— I said I would but I couldn’t let it be real,” he laughs despair present in his tone, tears finally beginning to fall down his cheeks, “I’m starting to think that I’ll never be ready.” 

“Hotch’ll go talk to the pilot, and you are going to make that call,” JJ makes grabby fingers, and Spencer sets the phone in her hands, watching as she scrolls through the contacts before finally landing on the correct one. She holds the phone to his ears, until he grabs it, hastily wiping the tears from his eyes. 

“Hey, Miriam,” he swallows thickly, “this is Doctor Reid, um— I got caught up in work. I’m headed to Las Vegas right now.” 

They all give him some space, dispersing about the plane, but near enough that he could send a look to them if need be.

When he finally hangs up, he rests his head on JJ’s shoulder, staring disconnectedly out the window by Morgan until he falls into a restless sleep. 

  
They’re all there for the funeral, when William Reid takes his son in his arms as if he hadn’t been gone for over twenty years. The watch him ask to reconnect with Spencer, and they watch the hatred wash away with the realisation that he should make amends while he has the chance.

JJ combs his hair with nimble fingers while he sleeps on her lap, laying across the plane’s couch. They talk in hushed tones about how to go forward from There.

Penelope manages to get a sample of one of their phone calls into a squeezable frog from build-a-bear.  


Their hearts constrict at the sight of Spencer’s face when he realises what it is, covering his face with a one and and wrapping the other around Penelope. Every time they fly out on a case, they can help but grin and they catch the froggy (named Bull) poking out of the blanket while Spencer catches up on sleep. 

And then, they come back from the funeral, and have a long dinner at Rossi’s house.

“To life,” Rossi announces, raising his wine glass as he rests a hand on Spencer’s shoulder, “And to the lives of those that we have lost. They will forever live in our hearts and will forever be lived by us.”

“To my mom,” Spencer clears his voice, voice cracking as he raises a handful or oranges, before quoting, “ _Keep love in your heart. Life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead_.”

“To Diana Reid,” Morgan calls softly, raising his own glass.

And everyone echos, following in suit.

**Author's Note:**

> the quote about flowers is oscar wilde, the title is emily dickinson.


End file.
